Category: movies

review of gravity…

daughter: oh my god… slit my freakin’ wrist…
little tobin: gouge my eyes out! that lady was a goddamn downer! minus ONE minus ONE!
daughter: where the hell is bridget jones when you need her!?
little tobin: getting chubby again for the next movie hopefully…
daughter: that sounds a thousands times more fun than that disaster!

(4 thumbs down for the depression horror show called gravity… 4 thumbs up for getting fat & happy!)

review of captain phillips…

(credits are rolling…)
little tobin: so what did you think, on a scale of 1 to 10?
daughter: hummm i’d give it an 8…
little tobin: AN 8! are you freaking kidding me! were we at the same movie!? an 8??, that was a dog!
daughter: so i’m guessing you didn’t like it as much?
little tobin: i give it a 2 – MAX!…
daughter: really? you didn’t like tom hanks? i thought he gave a great performance. it was a tad too long but besides that it was so suspenseful and emotional.
little tobin: oh please… ship, boat, ship… snoooooze fest! big cry baby! wah wah i’m in seat 15 – wah wah wah that’s not my blood…
daughter: 4 men were shot in front of him!
little tobin: and he wasn’t one of them… so get over it!
daughter: whatever, he was fantastic!
little tobin: disagree.. he’s NO liam neeson!
daughter: i have no argument for that.
(2 thumbs up… obviously not from little tobin…)

late commentary on paranoia, the movie…

daughter: (trying to open the front door) heyyyyy! why the hell is the table in front of the door?
little tobin: i saw paranoia…
daughter: are you serious?! … you saw that over 2 months ago!
little tobin: that s**t sticks with you!

(warning: movie not safe for mothers prone to booby trapping)

 

review of blue jasmine…

little tobin: oh my god she was so sad!… but excellent but jeez she was a sad mess… but played it so well…
daughter: i am so depressed and sad for her…
little tobin: holy cow that poor lady was pathetic! but what a great performance…
daughter: my gosh i just love woody allen…
little tobin: oh screw him… those actors made that movie!
daughter: he wrote it and directed them…
little tobin: oh hush!

(4 sad little thumbs up for actors AND director!)

review of Pacific Rim (first 10 mins only) & The Heat

(at this point we have sat through 10 mins of this “film” they are calling Pacific Rim)
little tobin: (in a loud whisper) hey, what the hell is this shit?
daughter: i don’t freakin’ know, you picked it!
little tobin: hell i did! this is so not for us…
daughter: completely agree!
little tobin: let’s ditch this crap…

(The Heat is starting across the hallway – we scurry)
little tobin: ahhhh, this is where we belong… even the seats are more comfy…
daughter: yeah this is much more our speed.

(exiting the theater)
little tobin: that was HYSTERICAL! so glad i spoke up so you didn’t torture me with that other picture…
daughter: once again it was NOT MY PICK!
little tobin: sure, sure… if you say so…

(4 thumbs up for The Heat. female buddy cop film makes our night!
ZERO thumbs for that loud scary movie with monsters/machines and a camp full of teen boys in the audience.. ugh)

 

review of the great gatsby…

little tobin: did you like the movie?
daughter: i was asleep for almost the whole thing…
little tobin: so, that’s a no?
daughter: that was horrible – snoozefest galore, did you like it?
little tobin: well the actors weren’t so good, the movie wasn’t great, visually i thought it would be more over the top.
But yeah i really like it.
daughter: not exactly a rave review.
1 thumb up… for what, i have no clue.

review of mud…

little tobin: (devilish grin)  soooo do you think matthew mcconaughey will be covered in mud?
daughter: MA! it’s not that kind of movie…
little tobin: TURN this car around!
little tobin & daughter: HAHAHA!

(begrudgingly proceed to see the film)

little tobin: amazing! he deserves all the awards…
daughter: that was fantastic… i want to live on a river boat and sell fish for a living…
little tobin: you would starve…
daughter: true. (another dream squashed)

(4 thumbs up! – would have been 5 if he had at least put on a mud mask…)

review of oblivion…

little tobin: hey that movie was pretty good but where was the robot?
daughter: i know… i love tom cruise but wall-e was a much better star.
little tobin: yeah tom can’t compete with that cute little guy!

(3 thumbs up but come on tom – do you really need to steal from a robot?)

 

review of quartet…

(little tobin, daughter & friend… saturday matinée of Quartet at the Beacon Cinema)

little tobin: i want to live in a musicians retirement home!
friend: me too, wouldn’t that just be great…
daughter: you guys know neither of you play an instrument, right?
little tobin: i play the harmonica!
daughter: oh please, no you don’t… you bought a ‘harmonic for dummies’ cassette tape and never used it!
little tobin: i was in a jug band!
daughter: that is a total lie! you took one seminar.
little tobin: well i can sing…
friend: she’s right, she can, really she can!
daughter: i give up…

(6 thumbs up… maggie smith is a must see and i believe will be getting 2 new roomies soon!)

review of les miserables…

(spoiler ALERT! you are warned, we don’t keep secrets… well just from each other…)
little tobin:
amazing! amazing! amazing! weak link – russell crowe.
daughter: i was SO happy when he threw himself of that freakin’ bridge! and he has a band – and i think they are popular!
little tobin: obviously he doesn’t make his living from that… and someone must have lied to him somewhere alone the road of stardom.
daughter: yeah big time liars! but hugh jackman, YUM YUM! even when he had those creepy red eyes and was emaciated he was adorable!
little tobin: he could carry me through a nasty sewer anytime!
(4 thumbs up! – even though russell crowe was cringe worthy – others shouldn’t suffer in the rating because he’s delusional)