little tobin: you know what i think might wrong with you?
daughter: (oh god) the fact that i’ve been trying to grow this pixie cut out for a year…
little tobin: huh? no what the heck does that mean?
daughter: nothing, nevermind. what’s your theory?
little tobin: you’re just too picky.
daughter: nope, i can be absolutely certain that’s not my problem.
(picture it – 2004, NYC, single woman just relocating to the big city, happy as can be, phone rings,
it’s a call from little tobin)
little tobin: so i might have done something that will annoy you a bit.
daughter: oh christ, i’m guessing yes by the sounds of this.
little tobin: well i signed up for internet dating.
daughter: that sounds great! doesn’t annoy me one bit.
little tobin: oh wait, not for me – for YOU.
daughter: yup now i’m completely annoyed, what are you TALKING ABOUT?! did you sign up as me?
little tobin: oh come on, of course i didn’t. that would be creepy.
daughter: yeah that’s what would make this creepy…
little tobin: (speaking at a frantic pace) ok hold on just one minute, i have been talking to this very nice guy, his name is ramsey, you like guys with odd names, and he would love to meet you! he lives in new york & is a poet with a site on the internet (rattles off some absurd sounding site only a poet would come up with)
and it’s just so sweet what he writes about and he is very handsome annnddd i gave him your number.
daughter: OH MY GOD you have GOT to be KIDDING ME!
little tobin: oh come on, stop being such a prude!
daughter: we will talk later.
(investigating later – his website consisted of a picture of him laying on an orange shag carpet bare-chested
and surprises of all surprises the featured poem was about his mom. he called. i never called back.
i still think about that shag carpet.)
little tobin: hey you should date so and so.
(name withheld, as we all know little tobin is a stickler for privacy)
daughter: no thanks, he likes strippers and coke heads.
daughter: and obviously i’m neither of those!
little tobin: that’s good to know.
daughter: was there a doubt!?
little tobin: well you do sniff a lot…
daughter: oh my god for the last time, i have ALLERGIES!