little tobin: you know what i think might wrong with you?
daughter: (oh god) the fact that i’ve been trying to grow this pixie cut out for a year…
little tobin: huh? no what the heck does that mean?
daughter: nothing, nevermind. what’s your theory?
little tobin: you’re just too picky.
daughter: nope, i can be absolutely certain that’s not my problem.
(picture it – 2004, NYC, single woman just relocating to the big city, happy as can be, phone rings,
it’s a call from little tobin)
little tobin: so i might have done something that will annoy you a bit.
daughter: oh christ, i’m guessing yes by the sounds of this.
little tobin: well i signed up for internet dating.
daughter: that sounds great! doesn’t annoy me one bit.
little tobin: oh wait, not for me – for YOU.
daughter: yup now i’m completely annoyed, what are you TALKING ABOUT?! did you sign up as me?
little tobin: oh come on, of course i didn’t. that would be creepy.
daughter: yeah that’s what would make this creepy…
little tobin: (speaking at a frantic pace) ok hold on just one minute, i have been talking to this very nice guy, his name is ramsey, you like guys with odd names, and he would love to meet you! he lives in new york & is a poet with a site on the internet (rattles off some absurd sounding site only a poet would come up with)
and it’s just so sweet what he writes about and he is very handsome annnddd i gave him your number.
daughter: OH MY GOD you have GOT to be KIDDING ME!
little tobin: oh come on, stop being such a prude!
daughter: we will talk later.
(investigating later – his website consisted of a picture of him laying on an orange shag carpet bare-chested
and surprises of all surprises the featured poem was about his mom. he called. i never called back.
i still think about that shag carpet.)
(there are 2 mini hotdog shops in pittsfield – families are divided, friends are lost, blood is shed over which is better.)
daughter: it’s so weird there are still 2 dueling hotdog places?
little tobin: men have issues…
daughter: HAHAHA yes big issues.
little tobin: small issues!
daughter: that is exactly why i do not have kids.
little tobin: why didn’t they just let that poor man go back to his wife, that’s all he wanted.
daughter: huh? i think i fell asleep during that part. i am going to have nightmares about that kid.
little tobin: i think we needed some drugs to enjoy that one. Next time it’s your pick.
little tobin: hey you should date so and so.
(name withheld, as we all know little tobin is a stickler for privacy)
daughter: no thanks, he likes strippers and coke heads.
(dead silence)
daughter: and obviously i’m neither of those!
little tobin: that’s good to know.
daughter: was there a doubt!?
little tobin: well you do sniff a lot…
daughter: oh my god for the last time, i have ALLERGIES!
(signed up for tap class – who doesn’t need more laughter in their life!)
daughter: so i am off to tap class.
little tobin: wait! wait! look what i found…
(from out of nowhere comes the SMURF outfit i had to wear in my tap recital when i was 8)
daughter: you have GOT to be KIDDIN’ me!
little tobin: thought maybe you’d want to wear this to class… now that’d get a laugh.
daughter: that is cruel.
little tobin: but FUNNY!
little tobin: you really do not look 40…
daughter: well thanks that’s because I AM 39!
little tobin: i know! just preparing you for the inevitable.
daughter: funny mom, real funny…
daughter: hey they finally finished the house next door and put it up for sale.
little tobin: yup and it’s SO cute!
daughter: i should buy it!
little tobin: what? then we would both move in there?
daughter: NOOOOO you would stay here and i would move in there, by myself, on my own, like a grown up!
little tobin: ok, got it, jeezzzzzz. but i’ll have a key, right?
(little tobin seems to have a new fun & festive catchphrase)
little tobin: hey do you want to go to the movies today?
daughter: i wish, i have to work on some freelance today.
little tobin: this shits!
little tobin: ok, I’m going to finally mow the lawn today.
daughter: it’s pouring rain outside.
little tobin: this shits!
little tobin: I’m going to make some omelets for brunch, you want one?
daughter: sounds great but we’re out of eggs.
little tobin: this shits!
little tobin: we have got to clean this house now, it’s a mess!
daughter: ok ok.. i got it. let’s do it right now and just get it done!
(we scatter in all directions getting our cleaning clothes on and grabbing supplies)
daughter: hey where are the paper towels?
little tobin: did you check the trunk of my car?
daughter: well no, that’s not the first place I thought to look. I’ll check.
(moments later)
daughter: none in the car storage.
little tobin: oh gosh we must be out.
daughter: i can not clean without paper towels. Want to watch the last disc of homeland?
little tobin: ohhhhh that sounds much better. let’s just not invite anyone over anytime soon, ok?
daughter: deal!
little tobin & daughter 